Gary Brown: Saying I'm sorry to the knuckleheads of Pennsylvania - Entertainment & Life - The Repository - Canton, OH
Gary Brown: Saying I'm sorry to the knuckleheads of Pennsylvania
Jun 23, 2019 at 6:30 AM
Columnist sort of apologizes for insulting residents and visitors.
I want to start off by saying I'm sorry for calling the people of Pennsylvania stupid.
In my defense, I was in a bad traffic jam while crossing the state after I had just driven out of a previous traffic jam in that state. Two traffic jams in the same state will work on a traveler's patience. Trust me. This is the kind of summertime neck-heater that caused car manufacturers to install air conditioners.
The first construction delay was a rather routine traffic jam, with cars changing lanes when they thought they had chosen a slow one. I've done enough traveling to know that whenever you change lanes in a traffic jam, that becomes the slow lane. So I simply stayed where I was, slowed to "stop and go" pace in a double line of stalled vehicles on I-80. And I think I leaned my head back on the headrest and said, "This is silly."
Well, the next traffic jam was even more massive, and longer in length. It stretched beyond sight both in front and behind my car. Simply saying "silly" wasn't going to satisfy me. So, I upgraded to "stupid." It was still an "S" word, but one that carried more weight. And I didn't talk to myself just about the event, I jabbered on about all who participated in the event. "How stupid are these people?"
Not only did I call the workmen who were causing the traffic jam stupid, I called everyone in Pennsylvania stupid — both the people who lived there and those who were just passing through. In my state of mind at the time, everybody was stupid — both the people going too slow ahead of me and the people trying to go too fast behind me. The only one who wasn't stupid was me. Nobody calls themselves stupid unless they're on a golf course, and, as I crept along in the line of cars, it felt like it would be weeks before I could get back to one of those.
I may have overreacted. As I said, I'm sort of sorry.
Reason For Tie-up
Still, it got worse. Lighted signs indicated that traffic was being detoured off of I-80. So, suddenly, it was necessary — or seemed so at the time — for me to use the word "idiots."
"You idiots are sending us entirely OFF the interstate?" I asked, to no one in particular because my windows were closed and I was still a half-mile or so from anyone who might have had even the slightest possible responsibility for detouring all of us off of I-80, onto some single-lane road that went through the hills and farm fields of rural Pennsylvania.
I apologize for that, since I have no idea if there was a legitimate reason for the detour. Maybe they were building a bridge down the road. Even if they were, though, was that a reason to send us away? Wouldn't they just build half a bridge at a time? Or, maybe they could have built another bridge first, so they would have a place to put traffic when they build the real bridge? I always thought that inefficient stuff like that was built into billion-dollar road projects. We as taxpayers don't mind that kind of waste of money, as long as we don't get sent off interstates.
Nevertheless, there we were, a long line of cars and trucks, being directed by orange-and-yellow vested workmen with traffic wands, being told to go northeast — I checked the compass on my car — even though nearly none of us probably had any idea what was out there.
Numbskulls. I didn't actually think that then. I just threw it in now. Still, I apologize for any insensitivity it may indicate.
We went along, the other vehicles and mine, for miles. I know it was more than a few miles, mostly driven at low speeds, because well into the trip I saw an orange sign on the country road that said, "Road work ahead, next 12 miles."
These knuckleheads had detoured us from one construction zone to another construction zone?
Satellite Sally, the GPS voice on my vehicle, kept telling me to turn. She didn't use the word stupid, but I could tell she was irritated.
A sign on the side of the road said "Truck Speed 20 mph." I was sure we were legal. None of us in the line were traveling faster than 5 to 10 mph.
Then it happened. Out ahead was one smart guy — a workman who directed us all to turn right onto another road. Our speed increased to 55 mph. I still had no idea where we were going, but we were making better time.
Within minutes, we turned again, left, onto a ramp that directed us back to I-80. Within seconds, our highway speed returned to 70. Life was good again and the people of Pennsylvania no longer were idiots. Even though all of us lost an hour of travel time, my reaction seemed silly, in hindsight. Maybe I was even being stupid.
Gary Brown: Saying I'm sorry to the knuckleheads of Pennsylvania - Entertainment & Life - The Repository - Canton, OH
Gary Brown: Saying I'm sorry to the knuckleheads of Pennsylvania
Jun 23, 2019 at 6:30 AM
Columnist sort of apologizes for insulting residents and visitors.
I want to start off by saying I'm sorry for calling the people of Pennsylvania stupid.
In my defense, I was in a bad traffic jam while crossing the state after I had just driven out of a previous traffic jam in that state. Two traffic jams in the same state will work on a traveler's patience. Trust me. This is the kind of summertime neck-heater that caused car manufacturers to install air conditioners.
The first construction delay was a rather routine traffic jam, with cars changing lanes when they thought they had chosen a slow one. I've done enough traveling to know that whenever you change lanes in a traffic jam, that becomes the slow lane. So I simply stayed where I was, slowed to "stop and go" pace in a double line of stalled vehicles on I-80. And I think I leaned my head back on the headrest and said, "This is silly."
Well, the next traffic jam was even more massive, and longer in length. It stretched beyond sight both in front and behind my car. Simply saying "silly" wasn't going to satisfy me. So, I upgraded to "stupid." It was still an "S" word, but one that carried more weight. And I didn't talk to myself just about the event, I jabbered on about all who participated in the event. "How stupid are these people?"
Not only did I call the workmen who were causing the traffic jam stupid, I called everyone in Pennsylvania stupid — both the people who lived there and those who were just passing through. In my state of mind at the time, everybody was stupid — both the people going too slow ahead of me and the people trying to go too fast behind me. The only one who wasn't stupid was me. Nobody calls themselves stupid unless they're on a golf course, and, as I crept along in the line of cars, it felt like it would be weeks before I could get back to one of those.
I may have overreacted. As I said, I'm sort of sorry.
Reason For Tie-up
Still, it got worse. Lighted signs indicated that traffic was being detoured off of I-80. So, suddenly, it was necessary — or seemed so at the time — for me to use the word "idiots."
"You idiots are sending us entirely OFF the interstate?" I asked, to no one in par
ticular because my windows were closed and I was still a half-mile or so from anyone who might have had even the slightest possible responsibility for detouring all of us off of I-80, onto some single-lane road that went through the hills and farm fields of rural Pennsylvania.
I apologize for that, since I have no idea if there was a legitimate reason for the detour. Maybe they were building a bridge down the road. Even if they were, though, was that a reason to send us away? Wouldn't they just build half a bridge at a time? Or, maybe they could have built another bridge first, so they would have a place to put traffic when they build the real bridge? I always thought that inefficient stuff like that was built into billion-dollar road projects. We as taxpayers don't mind that kind of waste of money, as long as we don't get sent off interstates.
Nevertheless, there we were, a long line of cars and trucks, being directed by orange-and-yellow vested workmen with traffic wands, being told to go northeast — I checked the compass on my car — even though nearly none of us probably had any idea what was out there.
Numbskulls. I didn't actually think that then. I just threw it in now. Still, I apologize for any insensitivity it may indicate.
We went along, the other vehicles and mine, for miles. I know it was more than a few miles, mostly driven at low speeds, because well into the trip I saw an orange sign on the country road that said, "Road work ahead, next 12 miles."
These knuckleheads had detoured us from one construction zone to another construction zone?
Satellite Sally, the GPS voice on my vehicle, kept telling me to turn. She didn't use the word stupid, but I could tell she was irritated.
A sign on the side of the road said "Truck Speed 20 mph." I was sure we were legal. None of us in the line were traveling faster than 5 to 10 mph.
Then it happened. Out ahead was one smart guy — a workman who directed us all to turn right onto another road. Our speed increased to 55 mph. I still had no idea where we were going, but we were making better time.
Within minutes, we turned again, left, onto a ramp that directed us back to I-80. Within seconds, our highway speed returned to 70. Life was good again and the people of Pennsylvania no longer were idiots. Even though all of us lost an hour of travel time, my reaction seemed silly, in hindsight. Maybe I was even being stupid.