Here's my idea
for a fucking sport.
I knock a ball
in a gopher hole.
Oh, you mean like pool?
Fuck off pool.
Not with a straight stick,
with a little fucked up stick.
I whack the ball.
It goes in a gopher hole.
Oh, you mean like croquet?
Fuck croquet.
I put the hole
hundreds of yards away.
Oh, fuck, oh, yeah.
It's big fun.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a great game.
Oh, like a bowling thing?
Fuck no.
Not straight.
I put shit in the way.
Like trees and bushes
and high grass.
So you can lose
your fucking ball.
And go whacking away
with a fucking tire iron.
Whacking away,
and each time you miss
you feel like you're going
to have a stroke.
Fuck, that's what
we'll call it,
a stroke,
because every time you miss,
you feel like
you're going to fucking die.
Oh, great.
Oh, and here's
the better part.
Oh, fuck, this is brilliant.
Right near the end,
I'll put a flat piece
with a little flag
to give you fucking hope.
But then I'll put a pool
and a sandbox
to fuck with your ball again.
Aye, you'll be there
thrashing your ass,
jerking away in the sand.
And you do this one time?
Fuck no.
Eighteen fucking times.
(cheers and applause)
Whoa.

Here's my idea
for a fucking sport.
I knock a ball
in a gopher hole.
Oh, you mean like pool?
Fuck off pool.
Not with a straight stick,
with a little fucked up stick.
I whack the ball.
It goes in a gopher hole.
Oh, you mean like croquet?
Fuck croquet.
I put the hole
hundreds of yards away.
Oh, fuck, oh, yeah.
It's big fun.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a great game.
Oh, like a bowling thing?
Fuck no.
Not straight.
I put shit in the way.
Like trees and bushes
and high grass.
So you can lose
your fucking ball.
And go whacking away
with a fucking tire iron.
Whacking away,

and each time you miss
you feel like you're going
to have a stroke.
Fuck, that's what
we'll call it,
a stroke,
because every time you miss,
you feel like
you're going to fucking die.
Oh, great.
Oh, and here's
the better part.
Oh, fuck, this is brilliant.
Right near the end,
I'll put a flat piece
with a little flag
to give you fucking hope.
But then I'll put a pool
and a sandbox
to fuck with your ball again.
Aye, you'll be there
thrashing your ass,
jerking away in the sand.
And you do this one time?
Fuck no.
Eighteen fucking times.
(cheers and applause)
Whoa.
