Damn. | Psycho-Babble
Posted by Racer on July 8, 1999, at 0:38:21
St James, you really are a saint. Silly Catholics, I want to be a saint, too. They won't let me though, some sort of religious discrimination. They say lapsed Presbyterians can't join. Oh, well.
Here's what's making me curse today: All those comments about I'm OK? I know that. I can't function, I'm in pain, but darn it all to heck, that talk therapy I went through really did work. I really do know that I'm better than OK. I'm all the things I ever wanted to be, except for two: I'm not functioning well enough to earn a living, and I don't look like Audrey Hepburn. Guess which one I honestly care about?
This is crazy. I'm a smart, capable, knowledgeable, compassionate, funny, attractive person, I'm helpful, affectionate, thoughtful, and all the other things that I ever wanted to be. The only problem that holds me back from being able to take on the world is depression. Sure, life is generally stressful for me, but part of that is my choice. I want to do work I find challenging. My choices have changed. I no longer get on stupid, pig-eyed broncs to teach them to mind their manners. I no longer take on abused thoroughbreds to "fix" their mental states. I work now with computers, and may I say, I've broken fewer bones lately. It's still a challenge, and I know that there's still satisfaction in it for me.
Damn it all, I just want to be able to get up in the morning and face what the day brings me. Is that really too much to ask?
And while we're on the subject, here's another thing that's bothering me: I'm sick and tired of feeling as though I have to take care of everyone around me. I want a lover. I want to know that I will, one day, before I die, again have sexual contact with a partner. Voluntarily. At least once more, is that too much to ask? (Insecurities flaring up there. It's not enough to be perfect, you know. Don't matter the quality of the supply if there's no demand. Doesn't anyone like voluptous women anymore?)
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990628/msgs/8419.html
Damn. | Psycho-Babble
Posted by Racer on July 8, 1999, at 0:38:21
St James, you really are a saint. Silly Catholics, I want to be a saint, too. They won't let me though, some sort of religious discrimination. They say lapsed Presbyterians can't join. Oh, well.
Here's what's making me curse today: All those comments about I'm OK? I know that. I can't function, I'm in pain, but darn it all to heck, that talk therapy I went through really did work. I really do know that I'm better than OK. I'm all the things I ever wanted to be, except for two: I'm not functioning well enough to earn a living, and I don't look like Audrey Hepburn. Guess which one I honestly care about?
This is crazy. I'm a smart, capable, knowledgeable, compassionate, funny, attractive person, I'm helpful, affectionate, thoughtful, and all the other things that I ever wanted to be. The only problem that holds me back from being able to take on the world is depression. Sure, life is generally stressful for me, but part of that is my choice. I want to do work 
I find challenging. My choices have changed. I no longer get on stupid, pig-eyed broncs to teach them to mind their manners. I no longer take on abused thoroughbreds to "fix" their mental states. I work now with computers, and may I say, I've broken fewer bones lately. It's still a challenge, and I know that there's still satisfaction in it for me.
Damn it all, I just want to be able to get up in the morning and face what the day brings me. Is that really too much to ask?
And while we're on the subject, here's another thing that's bothering me: I'm sick and tired of feeling as though I have to take care of everyone around me. I want a lover. I want to know that I will, one day, before I die, again have sexual contact with a partner. Voluntarily. At least once more, is that too much to ask? (Insecurities flaring up there. It's not enough to be perfect, you know. Don't matter the quality of the supply if there's no demand. Doesn't anyone like voluptous women anymore?)
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990628/msgs/8419.html