Winston's Dog: Part Three
I'm concerned that these 'parts' are becoming completely intangible, as they were intended to be read as one. I didn't post as one because I felt it made an unpleasant read, I'm hoping to find the balance between too much and not enough as I post more.
Bear with me while I do! Part Three
I had the potential, IQ-wise, to become something decent enough to pay my way in life and live in relative comfort. In accepting this, I’ve become a disgusting egotist. I’ve been told to accept it repeatedly, and now that I do, I’m even more unhappy. I dislike it. I don’t mind being a bit clever in some aspects, but I mind knowing I am. I hate myself for it in a way that I can barely put into words. This expectation, the potential that everyone but me saw when I was young, has finally begun to make sense to me, but rather than free me it’s trapped me. I feel a self-loathing that never leaves. I’m utterly miserable.
I read back every word that I write, and I see smug arrogance, obscene egotism and a desperate need to assert my “intelligence” through my writing and into the mind of whoever’s reading. It’s like I think I’m some kind of troubled genius, a diamond in the rough, Will Hunting. I’m not though, I’m of moderate intelligence and I’m unhappy. It’s simple. All that realization does though, is raise more questions. If it’s simple, why am I complicating it?
As far as I can tell, it’s because I see things in a very black and white way. It’s a typically young and male trait, according to my doctor, so perhaps it’s unsurprising. Everything must have a solution.
I think about these things, and then I think of ways to end a misery I’ve found myself in. I think of suicide, researching some pretty easy and painless ways to do it, but I’m too scared. I think of running away, but I realise I’m too penniless for the train. I think of a relationship, but hurt is inevitable for everyone and I’m sick of hurting people that aren‘t me. I think of self-harm, but it’s a short-term solution to a permanent problem. I think of exercise, but I can’t motivate myself to run when I can’t even motivate myself to wake up.
I’m so scared that I’ll feel this for the rest of my life. Too scared to die and too scared to live.
The Beholder20 July 2011 at 09:51I just reread part two and then read part three. I deeply sympathize with you, I've had variations of the feelings you're describing. I still do at times. However, I think it was slightly different for me because nobody ever told me the things they told you. Where I went to school, there was a very egalitarian education system. In other words, it was made to make sure any idiot could make it through school without much effort. I got arrogant and never did any homework and was shocked when I reached secondary school and couldn't keep up with the other students.Nobody to blame but myself. I was arrogant and egotistic.ReplyDeleteWinston's Dog21 July 2011 at 06:48@The Beholder - I think it sounds like there is plenty of other people to blame actually, like the people who made it appear acceptable to a child to get himself into a situation where he couldn't keep up. You've earned yourself a slither of acceptance in regards to any ego you may have though, as you're my favourite blogger on here along with the GB Black Ops guy.ReplyDeletePhilloz23 July 2011 at 07:00I empathize with you man, sometimes life just has a crushing weight on you that doesn't seem to lift up. But it doesn't last forever, gotta believe that or it just might. . .Thanks for having an actual deep blog up and not just copy pasting anything up here.ReplyDeleteThe Beholder24 July 2011 at 14:36Thanks, but it really was my own fault for thinking that I could go on without doing homework in secondary school. Though I failed greatly in math and physics, I ended up being quite successful in history and social sciences in the end. That is, when I had realized I actually had to work. But thanks a lot anyway. I'm glad to know you're enjoying my blog, and I'm glad to inform you that your posts are some of the most enjoyable reads I've found here.ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more...
Winston's Dog: Part Three
I'm concerned that these 'parts' are becoming completely intangible, as they were intended to be read as one. I didn't post as one because I felt it made an unpleasant read, I'm hoping to find the balance between too much and not enough as I post more.
Bear with me while I do! Part Three
I had the potential, IQ-wise, to become something decent enough to pay my way in life and live in relative comfort. In accepting this, I’ve become a disgusting egotist. I’ve been told to accept it repeatedly, and now that I do, I’m even more unhappy. I dislike it. I don’t mind being a bit clever in some aspects, but I mind knowing I am. I hate myself for it in a way that I can barely put into words. This expectation, the potential that everyone but me saw when I was young, has finally begun to make sense to me, but rather than free me it’s trapped me. I feel a self-loathing that never leaves. I’m utterly miserable.
I read back every word that I write, and I see smug arrogance, obscene egotism and a desperate need to assert my “intelligence” through my writing and into the mind of whoever’s reading. It’s like I think I’m some kind of troubled genius, a diamond in the rough, Will Hunting. I’m not though, I’m of moderate intelligence and I’m unhappy. It’s simple. All that realization does though, is raise more questions. If it’s simple, why am I complicating it?
As far as I can tell, it’s because I see things in a very black and white way. It’s a typically young and male trait, according to my doctor, so perhaps it’s unsurprising. Everything must have a solution.
I think about these things, and then I think of ways to end a misery I’ve found myself in. I think of suicide, researching some pretty easy and painless ways to do it, but I’m too scared. I think of running away, but I realise I’m too penniless for the train. I think of a relationship, but hurt is inevitable for everyone and I’m sick of hurting people that aren‘t me. I think of self-harm, but it’s a short-term solution to a permanent problem. I think of exercise, but I c
an’t motivate myself to run when I can’t even motivate myself to wake up.
I’m so scared that I’ll feel this for the rest of my life. Too scared to die and too scared to live.
The Beholder20 July 2011 at 09:51I just reread part two and then read part three. I deeply sympathize with you, I've had variations of the feelings you're describing. I still do at times. However, I think it was slightly different for me because nobody ever told me the things they told you. Where I went to school, there was a very egalitarian education system. In other words, it was made to make sure any idiot could make it through school without much effort. I got arrogant and never did any homework and was shocked when I reached secondary school and couldn't keep up with the other students.Nobody to blame but myself. I was arrogant and egotistic.ReplyDeleteWinston's Dog21 July 2011 at 06:48@The Beholder - I think it sounds like there is plenty of other people to blame actually, like the people who made it appear acceptable to a child to get himself into a situation where he couldn't keep up. You've earned yourself a slither of acceptance in regards to any ego you may have though, as you're my favourite blogger on here along with the GB Black Ops guy.ReplyDeletePhilloz23 July 2011 at 07:00I empathize with you man, sometimes life just has a crushing weight on you that doesn't seem to lift up. But it doesn't last forever, gotta believe that or it just might. . .Thanks for having an actual deep blog up and not just copy pasting anything up here.ReplyDeleteThe Beholder24 July 2011 at 14:36Thanks, but it really was my own fault for thinking that I could go on without doing homework in secondary school. Though I failed greatly in math and physics, I ended up being quite successful in history and social sciences in the end. That is, when I had realized I actually had to work. But thanks a lot anyway. I'm glad to know you're enjoying my blog, and I'm glad to inform you that your posts are some of the most enjoyable reads I've found here.ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more...